Panic and sell your grandmother! How to be a Wall Street investor.

May 13, 2019

The stock markets are down significantly today as crazed and panicked Wall Street investors panic over China's announcement that it's imposing billions of dollars in tariffs on U.S. goods, all in retaliation for President Trump imposing billions of dollars of tariffs on Chinese goods.

 

As a result of their panic and insanity and instability we've collectively lost billions of dollars in just a couple of hours.

 

These are the same institutional investors who have been cheering over the past four decades as U.S. companies sent their factories and production to China, Taiwan, Mexico, Korea and other places so they wouldn't have to pay American workers decent wages, and so those firms could make billions more in profits. As a result, the American middle class has been decimated and millions of Americans have been forced into lower paying jobs.

 

 

 

Yes, these are the same investors who cheered lower paying jobs for Americans and the destruction of the American middle class. And now they're panicking because President Trump is trying to do something to even out the massive trade imbalance we have with China and other countries.

 

Look, being a Wall Street investor can be rewarding financially, but you've got to be a raving lunatic who's afraid of your own shadow to be one. To be a great Wall Street investor you've got to panic over the slightest piece of bad news and then, a few minutes later be euphoric over the slightest piece of good news. And you've got to panic over good news and rejoice over negative news.

 

So here's a short primer for would-be Wall Street investors on how you should react to various headlines and news. The headlines are in bold, and the proper investor reaction is underneath.

 

Rain Predicted.

Panic and sell.

 

Sun to Shine. Great Weather Predicted.

Panic and sell.

 

XYZ Corp. Misses Earnings Prediction by 0.00000000000000001 percent.

Panic, sell everything, including your grandmother, and slit your wrists.

 

BCD Corp. Hires Thousands!

Panic, swallow a bottle of anti-depressants, divorce your spouse and sell.

 

It's Tuesday!

Panic, berate your kids and sell.

 

It's Wednesday!

Jump for joy, marry your dog and buy.

 

It's 1 p.m.!

Freak out, panic, burn down your neighbor's house and sell.

 

It's 1:01 p.m.!

Be euphoric, purchase a sex doll and buy, buy, buy!

 

Trump Farted!

Panic, drink heavily, snort cocaine and sell.

 

Obama Farted!

Sing happy songs, drink heavily, snort cocaine and buy.

 

U.S. Firms Move More Production/Jobs to China.

Celebrate as this will mean bigger corporate profits and lower American wages, and buy.

 

U.S. Firms Move Factories Back to U.S.

Be deeply and permanently depressed and sell everything, including your children.

 

U.S. Companies Layoff Millions of Workers. Riots! Profits Soar!

Jump for joy and buy.

 

War! Millions Dead!

Celebrate and buy, especially stocks in defense companies and funeral homes.

 

I'm sick of these crazed, panicky, insane traders costing us money because all they do is panic. How about you?

 

 

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