Are you really, really stupid? Then become a sportswriter.

October 24, 2019

Are you stupid? I mean, really stupid?

 

Do you speak without thinking, mindlessly repeat worn-out words and phrases and cliches that others have used because you think they'll make you sound smart, and impress your friends and bosses and anyone else who is as dumb as you are?

 

Are you unimaginative? Do you have absolutely no understanding of life, and do you state the obvious as if it were the world's one great truth that you, in your astounding and infinite wisdom, just discovered and feel compelled to breathlessly share with the rest of the universe?

 

 

 

Do you say stunningly stupid things and think that you have just exhibited deep and profound insights into the human condition?

 

Do you have not a single working brain cell? Do you, in your rare moment or two of honesty, know that you are a fraud, and that were it not for other people being just as stupid and fraudulent as you are, you'd have no job or way of earning a living? Do you have absolutely nothing positive—zero—to offer to humanity?

 

Well, fear not, because you, in your stupidity, can do a lot of things to make money. You can become a politician, news editor or reporter, human resources executive, college professor, food or literary critic, creative writing professor or student, poet, vegetarian, vegan, wine connoisseur, environmentalist, bass fisherman, inspirational speaker, LBGTQIUBNMCDWXYZ advocate, TV political analyst, member of a school board or a manager at any large company, just to name a couple of dozen.

 

But for the absolute dumbest of you, the stupidest of the stupid and the most worthless of the worthless—people that bums, drug addicts and fiends turn their heads away from in shame and horror—you can become a sportswriter or a sportscaster.

 

It's true. You can make millions on TV by spouting such profound things as, “If they're gonna win this game they're gonna have to score more points!” Or, “I don't think they (the losing team) came to play today!”

 

And you can say those incredibly dumb and mindless things while getting knowing nods of appreciation and approval from your dumb colleagues who just wish they could have said those stupid things before you did. The beauty of being a sportswriter or sportscaster is that you can say the dumbest things without any of your colleagues or bosses challenging you.

 

You can say, “They didn't come to play today!” without anyone with any sense—even someone with just one working brain cell—screaming back at you, “What the fuck are they doing on the field, asshole? Sleeping? Eating dinner? Refinancing their mortgages? How stupid can you be? Why don't you just shut the fuck up and go away? Stop saying stupid things!”

 

Yeah, sportswriters and sportscasters are the worst and the dumbest creatures on the planet. But the worst of them are the goofs who cover baseball, and especially those who have been scribbling and babbling about the recent playoffs and the current World Series.

 

After the Los Angeles Dodgers and the New York Yankees lost their playoff series, the local writers and announcers went nuts and proved that they can push furiously ahead into new and infinite universes of stupidity. They wailed that their teams' seasons were failures. Almost weeping, they wondered how their teams could have lost and what they'll have to do next year to win it all. After all, their teams were supposed to have won because they had all the right players and management built the perfect teams.

 

But these idiots never, apparently, realize that only one team in any sport wins the championship every year. And it's often not the so-called best team that wins.

 

Why? Because that's life, and life is messy and rarely goes as planned. And for the most part, sports are just a crap shoot. Yes, there is skill and professionalism involved, but sometimes teams get lucky and go on a run. Sometimes the alleged better teams have bad games. And sometimes the other team just plays better for a while. Think of that. Sometimes the other team just plays better for a while.

 

But the sportswriters and sportscasters either can't figure that out or refuse to accept that most basic reality of life.

 

The most idiotic things to come out of sportswriters' computers came after the Washington Nationals beat the Houston Astros in the first game of the World Series at Houston. Writers in Washington and Houston apparently couldn't believe or accept the Nationals' victory. “They stole a game in Houston,” the writers said of the Nationals' victory.

 

Stole a game? How? That implies that the Astros were supposed to win and were entitled to win the game and that the Nationals resorted to thievery or trickery or whatever. The Nationals didn't “steal” the game, they just played better that night than did the Astros. They just played better. What's so hard to figure out about that?

 

If the Nationals win the series, which I hope they do, the Houston writers will be wailing and sobbing and stomping their feet and striking mightily at their computer keyboards that someone will have to be fired and that trades will have to be made in order to “fix” the team and make it perfect for next season so they can win the World Series.

 

But they'll never ever write that sports, like life itself, are games of chance, skill and luck, and that no team is entitled to win anything. That's because they're stupid.

 

So mothers, fear not. If your kids are the stupidest of the stupid, and even stupider than that, they can always become sportswriters.

 

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