Fat People's Poem
By Dennis Domrzalski
Since everybody is offended by everything these days, I figured I'd get some sensitive types really angry by posting this poem. It's called Fat People's Poem, and its from Volume Two of my comic novel, I Got Stinky Feet, Fools, Losers and Idiots. Volume one is called, I Got Stinky Feet, Open Air Asylum. You can buy Volumes One and Two here at Amazon.
Fat People's Poem
I am always happy,
And in a cheerful mood,
When I look up and see my plate
Filled with lots of food.
I pick my teeth in public,
And I am very rude.
There’s stretch marks on my elbows
’Cause I eat lots of food.
My friends are laughing at me;
They say that I’m so crude;
They say I’ll have a heart attack
If I keep eating food.
They scorn and ridicule me,
But I ain’t gonna brood;
’Cause they don’t seem to understand
That I’m in love with food!
I eat food when I’m sleeping,
And when I’m wide awake;
Even when I’m on the pot
I’ve got to have my steak.
Mashed potatoes and gravy,
Salad and things to chew,
Soup and bread and beans and fruit
And cheese that stinks—pee-you.
Mostaciolli, pizza pie,
Tuna fish and pickles,
When that food goes down my throat
It just slides and tickles.
Cornish hens and hot beef stew,
A smelly seafood plate,
Liver sausage sandwiches—
There ain’t a food I hate!
My stomach hurts. I’ve got the cramps.
I need some food right now.
Although I ate an hour ago
I still need lots more chow.
Good man, kind sir,
Dear lady never wooed,
Have some pity on my soul
And pass that tray of food.
Pass it if it’s hot or cold,
Even if it’s stale.
’Cause even though my belly’s full,
I could eat a whale.
Pass it if it’s cooked or raw,
I don’t give a damn.
Food is food is what I say,
Let’s have that case of Spam.
Polish sausage, Quiche Lorraine,
Chicken Cacciatore,
If you don’t give me lots more food
Things may get kind of gory.
Apple pies and chocolate malts,
Some pudding and whipped cream.
Gimme me lots more food to eat
Or I’ll turn very mean.
I’ll sit on youse, you silly fools,
So don’t push me too hard.
If you don’t want to suffocate
You’ll pass that tub of lard.
Now pass those plates and pass them now.
Don’t bother saying grace.
Just keep that food a comin’ in
And watch me stuff my face.
Chomp, chomp, chomp; chew, chew, chew,
To eat is so much fun.
If I keep going on this way
I’ll weigh at least a ton.
I’ll sit on chairs and break them all.
I’ll cave in great big floors.
I’ll break down lots of walls my friends,
I won’t fit through the doors.
Some will laugh, but I don’t care;
I don’t give a damn.
While they’re off telling stupid jokes
I’ll be eating ham.
Skinny people laugh at me;
They think it’s really funny
That all I do is eat all day
And have a big fat tummy.
They say that I should exercise,
That I should jog and run.
They think that ’cause they’re thin and lean
That they’re the handsome ones.
They say that if I exercise
That I’ll lose lots of weight,
And that will make it easier
To find a sexy mate.
What they don’t seem to understand
Is that don’t interest me.
I just want food and lots of it,
It’s this that they don’t see.
Slobber, slobber, slobber,
Jesus ain’t it fun,
To stuff your mouth with food all day
And be a big fat bum.
It’s so much fun to eat all day,
To eat and eat and eat.
How thrilled I am when I look down
And I can’t see my feet.
See, I don’t care, I don’t care,
Who gives a damn right now.
I don’t want health. I don’t want looks.
I just want lots more chow.
So youse can do your exercise.
That ain’t stuff for me.
I’ll just sit at home all day
And eat and watch TV.
Go jog you fools, you skinny things,
Go out and jog and run,
’Cause I’ll be eating food all day,
To me that’s lots more fun.
And go have sex you skinny twigs,
I ain’t gonna brood.
’Cause while you’re scuzzing up the sheets,
I’ll be eating food.
I think I’ve said enough by now,
Goodbye you skinny dude.
Chomp, chomp, chomp; chew, chew, chew,
I’m in love with food!
